The Language of Love

‘ZEAL is Love in Action”…St. Mary Euphrasia

The Language of Love

I was born into an Italian, Catholic Family.  I was baptized and taught to believe in all of the teachings held in the Scripture and the teachings of my Church.  This experience, among so many others, shaped who I am and my system of values and beliefs.  I am who I am.  ‘Nuff said!

In this time in our history I grow increasingly concerned with the polarization of religious beliefs that express themselves with ruthless and reckless abandon.  First off is the frightening labeling of different religious beliefs, especially Islam as a threat to the world.  The evil distortion of a beautiful religious belief system by the few fundamentalists creates distance and bigotry where none should exist.  There is nothing new under the sun as history has shown that zealous forcing of one’s religious tradition over another has been the cause of multiple atrocities against the fellow children of creation.

No, this is not a dissertation on the political, social elements of terrorism and its awful results.  I want to talk about our everyday language with one another.  In all the circles in which I walk, I hear more and more folks espousing their religious connections with language that for me is ‘over the top’.  “Amen bother, my saviour is the Lord Jesus.”  “Jehovah is the only name God should be called-the bible proves it”.  “I am unconditionally Pro-Life, Capital Punishment is different.”  “I know how much pain you have suffered, just put that pain in the hands of God”.  Some even correct others small off-color words as against their religious beliefs.   It seems we (some) cannot reflect on our spirituality unless we are telling others about our belief in God, Jesus, Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, Buddha, etc. etc.   Blah, Blah, Blah!

In our daily encounters with one another what is it that matters most?  In our gathering in groups of all sorts, what is our fundamental purpose?  In our sharing of intimate information about our lives, what do we truly share?  I believe we share that which is held in our hearts.  In all of this we simply walk the journey of life together.  We learn from one another and we inspire hope and goodness in one another.  Why?  BECAUSE we believe.  We believe that this walk is a demonstration of trust, respect, compassion and care.  We believe that our responsibility to our neighbor is what we are called to assume.  We believe that all persons are a part of creation and that every person is a part of the Devine love that sparked this creation.  So why do we need to remind one another of our religious beliefs?

The language of (God’s) love is found in action not words.  The language of love is found in relationships that are healthy, empowering, inclusive, accepting and respectful.  The language of love is about belonging one to another.

Some say, “Jesus is my Lord and Saviour”              I say,      ‘SHOW ME’

Some say, “Without God, I can do nothing”            I say,      ‘SHOW ME’

Some say, “God loves you and forgives you”          I say       ‘SHOW ME’

Some say, “If you do not tell the world about

Jesus, using His name, you will deny him.”            He says,  ‘SHOW ME’

When I encounter a person whose need to tell me about their religious belief causes them to use so much of this language, I feel distanced from them.  I feel they think they are superior to me.  I feel they think that I am less of a person because I do not speak their language.  I actually lose out on the opportunity to learn from others who make me feel down a few steps on the ladder of faith.  Do we ever think about how our language, our choice of words, can impact on others?  Have we ever thought about how our language can be the difference between belonging and alienation?

Everybody has their story….Parts of that story are often filled with various degrees of sorrow and pain.  But it is our story.  We all want to do good for others. We all want to see the world change.  Then we realize that the greatest challenge for each of us is found not in how much we are able to remake this world but in how able we are to remake ourselves.  The language of love is spoken softly with loud action.  It is demonstrated in how we look others in the eye.  We SHOW others through our personal presentation that screams respect, compassion and inclusivity.  Every day, I need to stop, look myself in the mirror and say….SHOW ME!

Over the centuries people have sited the scripture passages of the Life experience of Jesus.  He spoke often about integrity and exhorted his followers to practice mercy discreetly and without fanfare.  Only then will we be able to remove the log from our own eye and see the splinter in the eye of our neighbor.  He referred to these persons of fanfare and self-righteousness as ‘hypocrites’.  How often can we truthfully say that we are like those ‘hypocrites’ and look to see if something we say or do will lift us up in the eyes of others as if we are more righteous or saintly than the next guy.  This off putting behaviour can be found everywhere except in those who simply practice the language of love…just do it, just show it, just be the change we wish to see in the world without drawing attention to ourselves or our image of righteousness and superiority.  Yes, we all have a story and do not need reminders from others of how “God will see you thru this”; what we each need is the compassionate hand and heart that knows that a truly human touch is the surest symbol of the Devine Love in the world.

In organizations that are labelled ‘faith-based’, what is that element that makes them distinct?  That element is not so much in the holy words or values they put on plaques but in the value driven behaviour and governance of their organization…just doing it is what makes them distinct. This distinctiveness will be demonstrated when their clients report how they experienced respect, acceptance, compassion  and when they express a sense of belonging;  then they will know they are truly faith based without ever having to tell anyone about it.

Reflection:

• ·         Remember a time when you met or knew someone who epitomized being a person of belief even though they said little about their religious beliefs unless asked.  What made that person so remarkable?  What did you admire most in her/him?
• ·         If I am a believer, how can I best show Devine Love (no matter how I name that) in the way I present myself with others, especially those I serve and those with whom I relate daily?  Can I just be compassion?   What might that look like?
• ·         Have I worked to sensitize myself about the feelings of others I meet?  Do I know when they might be estranged from religion or Church?  Do I invite discussion that reflects the sharing of our cherished values in order to come to know that person better?   Can I adjust my tendency to share my religious beliefs in favour of showing my ‘call to compassion’ in action?

Unintended Consequences

We hear it every day, “I didn’t mean it!”  I did not intend to hurt someone.”  REALLY?  One of the assumptions that goes hand-in-hand with this is that if I never intended to do something, I should be absolved if the outcome is not what was intended.  One could write a book of examples where this reality is expressed in stories about human relationships.  Applicable to any relationship, we might want to consider where this applies within some of our most critical social issues of the day.

Recently, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission completed its work and we heard thousands of stories of well-intentioned care-givers who perpetrated some horrific actions in attempting to wipe out the aboriginal culture, language and heritage.  Added to this exercise of power over people, the unintended results of abuse added significant trauma to the life experience of children and their children today.  As civil servants and Christian community servers we would never consciously want to destroy a person and yet this is exactly what occurred.  The Impact of those actions is inter-generational.

So many times I can recall in my own life making “funny” comments about someone’s race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation.  I was never a person who would knowingly hurt another human person.  And yet, my ‘funny’ comments were heard and received and felt by others around me.  What was the impact?  Some maybe laughed nervously, some were embarrassed for me, some were even angry with me because (I didn’t know they were gay?) they felt pushed further back into isolation from the world.  I never intended to hurt them….I would NEVER!!!  But I did!

Today we are hearing more and more about the progress we have made in our society in insuring the civil rights of all persons.  And, indeed, we have.  I want to suggest that the arena where we have made the least progress in this regard is within our own hearts.  Our heads have come to know and accept the appropriate parameters for relationships among ourselves in our world; our hearts have just not caught up.  Why else would there be such continued experience of racism in our North American world?  We see people and form opinions about them.  Those external opinions form judgments and we react accordingly.  It may be fear of the unknown; it may be influenced by values and beliefs we were taught as children.  We know intuitively that what is different will take us out of our comfort zone more often than not.

I remember the words of the song from the seventies that went, “Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me…”   Gradually we veered away from that notion giving way to working on systemic peace.  We needed to change systems to make peace, to free the oppressed and uplift the poor.  Today, we still believe this systemic perspective and rightly so.  Systemic racism and prejudice is a significant concern.  But have we thrown out the baby with the bathwater?  Can we simply change the rules of engagement, the laws, the policies and the parameters in such matters and still be able to humanly relate to one another in an open, compassionate, give and receive manner without first changing our own hearts?  The answer, my friend, is still blowing in the wind!

My old friend, Bob Carty, wrote a song called Desert Eyes.  It tells a story of when city folks went to the desert for a ‘different retreat’ they were confronted with the parched, arid, stark reality of the desert and they became depressed and desolate about what they saw. After a few days and with the help of their guide, they found their desert eyes to see the true life that lives in the desert- the licken, flowers, seeds and animals, etc. With desert eyes they could discover the real beauty, life and wisdom held within the sand and pebbles.  They discovered that with different eyes they also saw that they could be the water of life in that different reality.  As so, too, we can be mindful of our own need to form desert eyes in relation to others who may seem so different and removed from our own comfort zone.  Once we nurture that vision within our own eyes and hearts, we too can be the water of life to our relationships and will embrace change with a new and different vision of what the future might be.

Mary Euphrasia, who founded the Sisters of the Good Shepherd, once taught her young sisters about their work with such marginalized young women.  She said,  “It is not enough that you love them (intent), they must know they are loved (impact).  I guess in her own way she knew about the importance of mindful awareness of what we say and do with one another.  She knew that what you do is far more important than what you say.

I never intended to ramble on like this, but I hope that the impact is noteworthy.

Truth & Reconciliation Commission...a time for Healing Change

We are Good Shepherd People.  We provide services for women and children who are truly marginalized in our world through significant trauma, child welfare involvement, youth pregnancy, poverty and mental health issues including addictions of all sorts.  We work from a Good Shepherd service philosophy founded on the individual dignity of each person and with a degree of respect and compassion that demands we embody the values we declare.  Our service providers are dedicated and hard-working; they desire nothing less than the best outcomes for those they serve….”It is not enough to say we love them, THEY must know they are loved”.

I haven’t blogged in some time.  Too many balls in the air not the least of all are some of the most significant issues of our times that send me reeling with the disconnect between what we say we believe and what we must be in the face of evil, human weakness and the pain and suffering experienced  by people in this wonderful world of ‘opportunity’.  

One of those disconnects for me is the process ongoing related to our Aboriginal Peoples in Canada.  The destructive, evil, traumatizing legacy of Residential Schools and the basis of racism that spawned such experiences is a national embarrassment to all good citizens of this country.  If we are not embarrassed, we either are ill informed, unaware or don’t care.  And if we don’t care we are subject to the same indictment of our American neighbours’ treatment of the African American population and that sorry racist history.

I worry that the findings and the outcomes from the Truth and Reconciliation Commission will find their way on to the same dusty shelves of legislators as have so many of Canada’s other inquiries.  I worry that like so many of the UN charters of rights (children, women, indigenous peoples) this will find Canada as a signatory country that never integrates these charters into law or policy.  Just superficial photo-opps!

I want to muse somewhat about what this might mean to us, if anything.  As care givers, our founding story is rooted in the history of the Sisters of the Good Shepherd.  While they are truly a traditional congregation of Catholic Religious nuns who exist in 73 countries around the world, they have been an inspiration of what it means to work for others to alleviate pain and sufferings at all levels of life.  They have been remarkably open about sharing their mission and their work with many people of different religious traditions and cultures.  They have placed themselves at times in harm’s way for the sake of rescuing a life of a child, young mother or any other person.  They have stood as advocates against unjust systems and practices to try their best to make a difference to this wounded world.  Even now as they are in some decline in membership, they dare to allow themselves to be ‘energized by their Spirit and risk together for mission’.  Their International General Chapter is going on right now and they courageously look to the future directions of their formidable group of Sisters and Mission Partners.

The voices and stories of many thousands of Aboriginal persons are being heard telling their truth of horror through the residential schools system.  We see every day how the children of those victims are impacted by that history.  We have parents and grandparents come to some of our programs and seeing the traditional symbols of our own history, they begin to react with fear that maybe we might be just like those other places.  And yet in their time of great need they honour us by entrusting the care of their children into our hands….what a privilege and exceptional mandate we share!  We are learning more about the inheritance of trauma through multi-generations and how the complexity of trauma will need as much fidelity of support and care and take many generations to heal….but we must start NOW!

But how and what do we do with this experience?   What are we called to in walking this journey with even one aboriginal person who comes to our attention?  Each of us will encounter another person whose tradition comes out of the aboriginal history.  Will we simply be people of sympathy or will our commitment to service draw us to doing what we can to help remediate some of the causal factors that have brought them to this place in time?  Are we called in this time in our Canadian history to risk for mission by dreaming and envisioning how we might become more engaged in this story and work differently to help reconciliation become a reality in the lives of the aboriginal persons we meet?  Whether it is within small groups, a service system or with one single person WE must change.

We share a small but rich network of colleagues and friends whose work has been inspired by Good Shepherd.  We each have different mandates and service needs and our individual agencies have their own specific challenges.  But we have agreed to remain connected and supportive of one another.  One agency within our group is located in Manitoba and over 80% of the children and families served are aboriginal.  What can we do to be supportive to them in this challenging work and inspire in them and within ourselves to dream about the possibilities of being instruments of reconciliation in the work?

I have a dream!  I want to explore where there are individuals and or groups who are directly offering real supports for reconciliation and healing within the aboriginal communities.  Where are the advocates who work toward substantive change in policy and the practice of law and who want reconciliation to be truly something far deeper than simply making financial awards of compensation for past harm…While that helps…it does not heal.  I am looking for healers who will be willing to share with us how they help heal themselves and others in the aboriginal community.  I want to hear from them if we, healers in Good Shepherd, might be worthy to walk with them in providing new and more effective ways of being a healing presence in the community.  Are there any dedicated Centres of Reconciliation for our Aboriginal communities?  If not, why?  Will initiatives like those centres of reconciliation offer potential for sharing a real healing journey with wounded and traumatized aboriginal people?

Where do I start?  How might I get the important information?  Anyone interested in exploring opportunities with me?   Email me @   bob.interbartolo@gmail.com  

Gratitude is the Memory of the Heart.

So my wife and I decided to take our two granddaughters  for a Christmas lunch and show at the Famous People Players.  The Famous People Players is a dinner/theatre group set up especially with and for youth and adults who are developmentally challenged.  The meal is cooked, hospitality is provided and the black light theatre is performed by these challenged individuals whose participation in this effort gives them hope, skills and learning and, most, importantly, a sense of value and purpose.  I have been to FPP numerous times but the gift planned for the kids was a gift I received once again.  Truly.

This year they celebrated 40 years of existence.  Their founder, Diane Dupuy, has devoted her entire adult life to this work and clearly believes in the value and worth of each of the young people who come to be with this troupe.

So back to the gift I received.  2014 came rushing over me with memories.  A funny kind of year with new excitements and letting go of old friends.  Horses who have taught me life lessons and exhausted this old body.  Very young Sisters I met in Quito who gave me hope and renewed energy for the mission of Good Shepherd in our world.  Significant friends whose lives were cut short by disease caused me pause about what is most important in the many 'things' we do.  I became somewhat overwhelmed by the many sentiments flashing through my mind...most of those sentiments were of mindful gratitude.  How blessed I have been to have life long friends everywhere.  How fortunate I have been to have crossed paths with folks like Diane Dupuy, Jean Vanier, John Howard Griffin, Tom McKillop, Bob Carty.  And then there is Sam, Larry, Jack, Joe, Ann and Myron,  Frank and Nancy.  Yes there was Irwin, my mentor and, of course my wife Judy, the journey's companion who keeps me honest.  By the end of the show yesterday, I was in tears as the the music to the Impossible Dream played in the background.

Yes I have had my dreams and ideas.  What have we done with those dreams shared in our hearts? Who has helped us achieve them along the way?  Who inspired us to carry on?  What/who made a great impact on you in 2014?  Have we been true to the path we set out on in our own journey?

My dear, dear friend, Rose Virginie Pelletier came through significant trauma and side tracks in her life yet remained steadfast in her commitment to serve others as a nun.  Diane Dupuy is very similar to Rosie in that there is a single minded commitment to get it done.  Rose founded an international congregation of sisters and it expanded around the world.  All the time she never lost touch with the most important value she had embraced.  "That one person is of more value than a world"  And so "always lift them up in their own eyes".   

So the ending of 2014 is a time to feel really grateful for the many friends and loved ones who have kept me on the path.  I am no Rosie or Diane but I had had my shared of dreams and high aspirations. I have been so gifted by all those who have shared the pathways with me....they inspire and challenge me.  What about your pathways this year?  Have you been able to move forward with your own dream ideas?  What has been the most remarkable experience and person in your own life this year?

So let's share a box of tissue, pull up a seat and be mindful;  for what are we most grateful?

Have Yourself A Very Mindful Christmas

It was, indeed, a very long time ago when like most youth, I was trying to find my way.  I was searching for what I was meant to do and didn't have the slightest idea.  It was then that I came to Toronto to study Theology at U. of T.  It was then that I met the likes of Bob Carty and Tom McKillop, a couple of men who had an incredible influence on my life and yet-to-be-determined journey.  In that first year of meeting them, I had the wonderful opportunity to attend an event they had planned at Massey Hall in Toronto featuring two heroes of our times,  Jean Vanier and Mother Teresa.

Bob opened the night with some beautifully inspiring music and then Jean Vanier spoke.  Wow it was really powerful.  Then came this diminutive nun who had started a religious order of nuns in India, "to serve the poorest of the poor" and now she was in North America to arrange to send her sisters, as missionaries to the U.S..  "How do these places compare, what do they hold in common?", I asked myself.  Then came the most resounding statement I have ever heard.  This little, humble nun said with the greatest certainty of her faith, "I come here to serve the poorest of the poor, because the greatest poverty of all is LONELINESS!"

From that moment in 1971, Christmas has never been the same.. At times I have struggled with the superficial contradiction between the spiritual essence we celebrate and the gift-giving, commercial part of the holiday.  It has caused me often to remember with some pain (and guilt) that there are many folks who have absolutely no one to share Christmas with.  They are, indeed, the most lonely and therefore so poor (even as some live in their fine condos).

For me the wondrous resolution of this tension has been to remember in some special ways those who are most lonely during this time of the year and, in addition, to embrace with profound gratitude the cherished friends and family that I do have.  The greatest gift we give one another is really ourselves.  So while I will enjoy the new toys, sweaters, etc.  the happiest part of this season is being with those I love and who love me.  Turning off the technology could help us focus on time for and with one another.  Singing some songs, whispering some pertinent prayers, perhaps saying thanks to a cherished friend or partner may just spark a deeper bond. 

Being mindful of one another, including those who are alone, does nothing less than help us to remind ourselves why this season came to be in the first place.

A Baby is born in Bethlehem, and Mary, did you know he was the great 'I AM'!

So have yourself a very mindful Christmas!

The Heart of the Things that Matter

There has been some time passed since my last blog.....My wife had a heart attack and, needless to say, this has been a profound event in our lives.  I am happy to report that Judy is doing very well and being a good girl following the doctors' directions and rehab follow up.  BUT THIS BLOG IS NOT ABOUT MY WIFE'S HEART ATTACK!

The events that surrounded this are really significant.  While dealing with our family crisis, I had occasion to spend many hours in waiting rooms at the hospital....Trillium -Mississauga to be precise.  They have one of three specialized cardiac units there and they did a grand job of their work on behalf of my wife.  Herein lies the heart of the matter.

While in those waiting rooms my eyes and mind would always wander and inevitably, as I am want to do, I found my way to their posted vision, mission and value statements.  I am a mission oriented person and my work calls me to focus on this constantly.  So, here I went looking at their statement and wondering to myself, "Do they live it?"

Since I truly believe that the most important part of these statements is the expressions of what an organization values, that is the place I go to.  That is the place where, 'The rubber hits the road!'  So in my own way, I set out to assess the work of the doctors, nurses, maintenance etc. and how they all fulfill their values statements.  What I found was truly inspiring.

At Trillium they espouse the values of  Compassion, Excellence and Courage.  In our dealings with their staff we were treated with the kindest, warmest and supportive relationships.  (I must admit, I was shocked never having experienced such in other hospital settings, especially in Emerg.)  The level of hospitality and the establishment of compassionate relationships with both my wife and myself gave us great confidence at a critical time.  

I listened to a doctor explain heartbreaking news to a couple whose father was in his final stage of life due to a severe stroke.  The doctor's courage to be honest, forthright and tender with this couple almost brought me to tears.  Judy's cardiologist came to apologize to her thinking he missed the blockages she had in two arteries....and yet he had not neglected to test for these.  Once found, she was on her way to recovery and while humbled, he had not played God.  The professionalism of this staff was truly beyond reproach.

I could ramble on with praise and other examples where the maintenance staff were warm and smiling, cleaning up routinely around patients with the joy of providing warm hospitality.  Just remarkable!

This all hit home to me in a different way.  In my work and training, I always talk about how that which our organizations value must be integrated into the very fibre of our work, our personal presentation with clients, and in the DNA of our agency practice and policy.  During this experience I was on the receiving end as a consumer of service and felt the vibrance of values well lived out professionally.  It has caused me to renew my own commitment to living our values as people who are the service providers through Good Shepherd.   This has caused me to reflect on the ways that I demonstrate how much I value a certain passion(Zeal) for this work;  what are the little ways that my professional presentation is one of compassion for our people (both clients and staff);  how do I show that I really value each individual person?  Will I have the courage to seek reconciliation knowing more intimately my own vulnerabilities in the face of others or in challenging times?

I guess it can be inspiring to see glowing, well articulated mission and value statements on the walls of our agencies;  but, really the heart of what matters most is how we make those statements alive in our own work and relationships.  Thank you, Trillium, for renewing my own faith in the possibilities that this can be REAL everywhere!

R.I.P. Bob Carty - More Than Meets the Eye!

Bob Carty was an old friend.  We had not seen much of one another for a long time but we had shared work, living together and dreams when I had hair and he had a gorgeous beard!  Bob died this week after a long battle with cancer.  Some would say that Bob was an incredibly successful radio documentary journalist; some called him a talented singer, songwriter whose music brought people together within the genre I liked to call folk music at its best.  He won more awards than one could imagine as a journalist with CBC; he had a significant following of his fun loving, justice-oriented music and had an engaging, dynamic personality that afforded most of us to love him, even from afar!  Okay, so why, beside my personal sense of loss would I blog about this man?

Bob Carty was not part of our Good Shepherd Network....but Bob was a Shepherd like no other.  Bob and I shared intense moments and experiences together 40 years ago but that journey shared is as fresh today as it was then.  He modeled an incredible dedication to study and research yet spurned formal education.  He critiqued his Church strongly but nurtured his profound faith always.  He had a sense of urgency for justice for the poor and a dedication to work for changing oppressive systems everywhere.  Within it all, Bob had an easy going, steady and consistent way of teaching and inspiring goodness, confidence and competence in others like few others can demonstrate.  

Bob Carty inspired a consistent commitment to reflective practice...he always reviewed his own and his team's work.  He taught others about the value of situating ourselves in front of the circumstance we would encounter, the people we would meet or address, knowing that the best place to start is always where THEY are at. This sensitive awareness is what made him so engaging with others and allowed him to lead the rest of us to a deeper place.

After all is said and done, I don't think I will remember what awards he won;  I will not ever remember what was the first or last song he ever wrote.  I will always remember how it felt to share a piece of our mutual journey, our growth as persons, our learning about the world and this complex life we live.  And how this felt was truly life giving, profoundly more than words can capture.  I am a better person today for having known him.  

So my friend, the award-winning journalist and the folk singing troubadour, has left this human journey.  But his legacy is an intimate, personal witness to self reflection, changing oneself as one works to change systems and knowing that each one of us has a special gift to leave to this world.  

How many of us have had a special person in our life who found the goodness in us?  Surely, we have had that one person....so what did they reveal to you?  What is that special gift you have?  Go find it, nurture it, share it and, in time, leave it.  Thanks, Bob, for the profound gift you have left us.